Have you ever come to a point when you just realize that no matter what you do and how hard you try, you will never be enough?
I am not saying I am perfect, I have flaws too. In fact, I might have a lot. But so are other people...and yet I don't take their imperfections against them. Yes I get angry when they come at fault, but it's normal. But what's not normal is when you commit a mistake and people hold on to that mistake of yours as if all those good things you did in the past have been erased. And what hurts the most is when they keep on reminding you of what you did wrong just to get away for what they have been doing wrong.
Do you know that I am so good at pretending? I pretend that everything's alright when it's not. I pretend to be okay when in fact I am falling apart. But I get tired too. And now I am just so tired all I want to do is sleep. Sleep is my escape you know. Because when I am awake, I keep on thinking about a lot of things. Mainly about the things I did wrong and failed to do. Believe it or not, I see myself as a big failure. And I use it to justify the way some people treat me. When they did me wrong, i'd be like, "It's because it's my fault...it's because I am not enough...it's because I am like this, and I am lacking on a lot of things." It's always my fault, and that I deserve to be treated this way.
I'm so tired and so hurt, I can't even cry. All I know now is that things that would go wrong WILL ALWAYS BE my fault. So tell me, is there anything else I can do? I just want to curl up on my bed and do nothing. I'm scared to do something wrong because they will do something wrong in return and in the end, I'd be blamed.
If you're reading this (though I'm pretty sure nobody's going to because it's too emo), then you'd probably be saying, "but she always looks so happy with all her makeup/food/whatever posts." Then again, I'm gonna remind you that I am so good in pretending. You have no idea how broken I am and how lonely I feel.
I'm so sorry about this post. I just need to let this all out. It's not even everything that I wanted to say actually. But I just need to breathe. I feel so messed up. I am running out of reasons why I still need to be here. I think I am better off alone. I think people around me will be better off without me.
I know some people have it worse...but please, pray for me.
I need it badly.
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